The Third Decade

Lesson Learned

Well, it looks like my friend's run-in with the law will come to a head this week. After appearing in court last Thursday and getting his case dismissed as a first-time offense, he's headed to the Registry of Motor Vehicles in a couple of days to apply for a hardship license. With the exception of having to attend a 16-week drug and alcohol education class, I thought everything was all set. It turns out, however, that he's got a probation officer! I didn't know that non-felons had to report to probation officers. He'll have to report to her weekly while attending the class, including when he leaves the state to visit relatives. I guess it makes sense given that the state has to make sure dismissing his case was worth the gamble, but daaaamn.

Drama Control

It's been a pretty quiet week of posting. Besides there not being a whole lot of subject material, I've also been helping a friend get through some serious drama. On Saturday night he was picked up by the police in downtown Boston and charged with an OUI (operating under the influence). Sunday morning around 10 I received a phone call asking me to come down to jail with $40 to bail him out. Being the good friend I am, I headed downtown, waited an hour for the bail bondsman, and bailed my sad friend out. For some reason I expected the police station to look like something out of NYPD Blue or The Shield. Instead it looked more like a less-glamorous check cashing business. There was a counter with bulletproof glass across it, a door to the left of the counter, a payphone on the right wall, and two benches on either side of the entrance. Other than the photos of sex offenders on the far right side of the glass, there was nothing else to look at or read in the waiting area.

Anyway, when my friend was released, I had a mix of emotions. I was relieved to see he was OK, happy that he was released, angry about his act of foolishness, and weary from having to deal with drama early on Sunday when I was just recovering from my illness the previous week. His eyes teared up upon seeing me and he started sniffling when he exited through the door on the left. After being given a handful of paperwork and his personal belongings in a clear plastic bag, he was free to go.

As we walked down the street to the subway, he revealed that he had been arrested for an OUI, told me that his license was suspended, and that he felt like crying. In a reflex response I looked at him like he was crazy. While I understood that he felt dirty and was stressed from his ordeal, I was also outraged because he put himself there. Out of anger I said, "You can cry, but not to me and not right now. When we get back to my place, take a hot shower and cry in there. Let it all out and wash it away, but you're not crying on my shoulder." Later, at my place, when he was feeling a little better, he expressed regret at having made this "mistake." I was not feeling that statement either. I said, "Mistake?! This wasn't a mistake. It's not like you put on two different colored socks with a suit. You made a choice to drive drunk and you got caught."

OK, both statements were a little hard-nosed. But, if the friend who bails you out of jail before brunch on a Sunday can't speak bluntly, who can?

At any rate, I'm the least of his worries now. To make a long story short, we spent the better part of Sunday afternoon with another friend who helped us get his car out of the tow lot. There was a court appearance on Monday, but because my friend showed up without legal representation, he was told to come back next week. Unfortunately, without a car he can't get to work in the burbs, so he's been forced to use vacation days. Retaining a lawyer is also going to cost a small fortune and even then there's no guarantee that he'll get his license reinstated soon.

To sum it up, it's just been continuous drama with no idea of when this will all be over. Still, if there are any positives which can be gleaned from this whole mess, it's these: first, no one else was involved. There was no crash and no other victims. He was stopped going the wrong way on a one way street. Second, he's vowed never to drink and drive again. Unfortunately it took an event like this - with all of its consequences - to make this level of impact, but it's one which I hope will last a lifetime.

Being that this is his first offense, that no one else was harmed, and that he's clearly remorseful, I hope the judge pities him and sentences the proverbial slap-on-the-wrist. While my own judgment of him has been anything but lenient, perhaps this is also the catalyst I need to become the forgiving person I've always believed myself to be.

Sick Day

It's funny how things can sneak up on us when we least expect them.

Today I'm the victim of a one-two punch. First, I'm home under-the-weather. I don't know if it's allergy-induced or if I've just been drinking too much recently. I suppose it could be either, but I'll place the blame on myself (Mother Nature, I'll give you a break this time around) and say that I've been drinking too much. It's not that I'm a big drinker or anything like that. Instead I've been stocking my place with liquers and wines ever since I bought this cabinet at Crate & Barrel last month and a mini wine fridge on sale at Target last week. Again, it's not that I'm a big drinker. But lately I haven't been eating right or eating enough with my drinks. Poor nutrition obviously results in poor health and a sick day. No real surprises there, but I thought I was in better health.

Anyway, having a day off is something I've been wanting since the last holiday. Unlike my previous employer where we had one day off per month, I can't remember the last time I had a day off with this company. However, unlike my previous job, where I'd be scheming ways to extend my "illness" by another day or so, today I actually find myself kinda missing work. I don't miss the commute, the office politics, or being scheduled, but I miss the work itself. I didn't realize that I cared as much as I do, and that is what's snuck up on me. As cloudy and as heavy as my head feels, I've been logging on to my work email address occasionally to make sure there are no burning issues. So far, so good.

In the meantime, I've also been preoccupying myself by watching Fire, sending friends the sexy Cleaning Hunk, and checking out some blogs. Bugaboo Blog in particular caught my eye with a piece about race, class, and privilage and how it differs in the North and in the South in the context of the Duke lacrosse scandal. As for this afternoon's activities, I think I'll read more of Jeff Chang's Can't Stop, Won't Stop. I won the book via a contest on Bostonist. It's part history, part social commentary, and fits right in with my desire to see and hear hip hop return to its political/progressive roots. I'm only starting in on chapter 3 this afternoon, but based on what I've read so far, I'd recommend the book to anyone with an interest in history, social politics, or hip hop.

Anyway, I just heard the mailman park outside, so I guess I'll see if I have anything. In the meantime, cheers to all you working stiffs out there. I'll see you tomorrow.

Two Blogs

Time for me to give a shout out to two blogs on my mind (and soon to be in my list).

First is Boston Cocktails by Chris of LeftCenterLeft. I like cocktails and Chris always has something interesting to write about, so I expect good things from his second blog. I'm also hoping there'll be some sampling of his home bartending skills. You hear that, Chris? Sam-pling!

Anyway, the second one is Bugaboo Blog. A friend and ex-coworker, going by the pseudonym Shasha, writes that one. She's got a lot on her mind and has been venting in the first couple of posts, but don't we all these days? Shasha's got a sharp tongue, dry wit, and two kids. It's too early to tell where she's going with her blog, but drop by occasionally and  show her some love.

The Sweet Nectar of Freedom

I wish we could have three-day weekends every week. I'm lucky to have today off - given the heavy snow falling around the city - but, I would've had it off anyway as I quit my old job on Friday and will start at my new job tomorrow. This morning I awoke ready for a large drink of the sweet nectar of freedom. Unfortunately, I'm snow-bound and stuck indoors and will have to put off my errands and lunch date with my former coworkers for another day. Still, this small sip of freedom is refreshing. As much as I miss some of my former coworkers, I don't miss some of the menial tasks and the office politics. However, I realized today that this year I won't receive an envelope with cash for Chinese New Year. One of my former coworkers is originally from Hong Kong and she gave the youngest of us in the office $5 every year as part of the celebration. It was an unexpected surprise, but a tradition I'm glad she felt comfortable including us in. If I had known any other customs associated with Chinese New Year I would've helped celebrate without the $5. At any rate, It'll be interesting to see how my new office and office mates will be. I'm excited to start tomorrow and hope things will start off smoothly.

What! No Gifts?

Today I told one of my coworkers to wish me a happy anniversary. When he asked why, I told him it was in honor of yesterday's National Coming Out Day. He laughed and said he wouldn't wish me happy anniversary because it wasn't specifically my occasion. I argued in favor of collective celebration (kind of like Christmas); he didn't buy that. I didn't get much further when I asked for a gift either. It was still fun asking though.

Word-of-Mouth

Ahh...sweet, sweet Sunday. I've finally found myself in a lull beween two busy weeks during this very busy month. The boyfriend is away in Upstate New York at a college buddy's wedding for the weekend and I caught up with my friends yesterday so I have a few hours to unwind and gather my thoughts before the rush of the work week begins anew.

Fortunately this busy period hasn't been bad, it's just plain busy. In addition to the usual 9-to-5, I've been taking care of some final touches to the ol' condo before my grad student/tenant moves in October 1. As much as I enjoy living alone, it is nice having someone else pay my expenses. I may even finally start saving money again! Wouldn't that be nice for a change?!

Honey Brown Cards also just released two new cards for women, so I took a daytrip out to western Massachusetts to shop our inventory around. All of our cards are now being sold at Northampton's Pride and Joy (20 Crafts Avenue) and I'm working on getting us into Food for Thought Books in Amherst. The stationery buyer was out sick the day I showed up, but I'll be sure to follow up that lead. If anyone reading this is out that way, please stop by the store and ask them to stock up on Honey Brown Cards. Little guys like us appreciate all the word-of-mouth we can get. For those of you in the Boston area, of course I'd like to remind you that we'll be selling our cards and framed images during Roxbury Open Studios on October 1 and 2. While I sincerely hope that you'll go around and visit as much of the open studios as you can, please come by and pick up a few cards from us, too. We'll be at Roxbury Community College in the Administration Building from 11am to 6pm both days.

And, while we're on the subject of small businesses and word-or-mouth, I'm starting up a little freelance photography business of my own. I don't have a studio, this is purely an on-site, on-demand business. I'm close to finishing a gig where I did engagement photos for a couple from Brockton. For a very reasonable price I discussed what the client wanted, scouted locations, did a one hour shoot, went over the photos with the client, provided the proofs, and produced prints. In fact, the bride-to-be enjoyed the photos so much that she asked for more prints than what our original agreement was. Of course, I am happy to provide her with a larger package (for a slightly larger fee) and pleased that she enjoyed my work. Next month when things calm down, I'll start putting my portfolio online and give my business a name. In the meantime, word-of-mouth seems to be working in my favor (this is one of several referrals which has come my way this year), so keep it comin', folks.

In the meantime, let me return the favor by pointing out three wonderful movies which I've seen recently.
- First, Hotel Rwanda. Don Cheadle is fantastic in the lead role and the movie itself is very powerful and moving. I knew a little about the civil war/ethnic cleansing in Rwanda before I saw the film, but it was nice to have the larger conflict distilled to a personal level. While in some films that may have amounted to an oversimplification and "dumbing-down" of the issue, I felt that everything was presented intelligently and clearly.
- Second, Frida. The makeup artists did a great job making Selma Hayak look...well...like Frida. Unlike Selma, Frida Khalo wasn't the prettiest person in the world, but they did a great job making Selma less glamorous. The movie itself was wonderful. I enjoyed the passion, the energy, and feeling as though I were experiencing life on the cusp of revolucion!
- Finally, Paris Is Burning. I saw this movie years ago before I came out in college. Watching it then was both eye-opening and formative in my development as a gay, Black man. I remember feeling that my stereotypes were both challenged and confirmed and that I would have a lot to take on and decide when I finally decided to come out. Watching the movie now is like remembering a long-lost friend. Even though I never went to a ball, I don't think they exist anymore. Plus, who vogues these days?! Then again, as one friend and I discussed last week, Boston isn't the place to be as a gay, Black man. Although we live comfortably here, there is a cultural element which is lacking. As a native Bostonian, I don't notice that missing piece as much as my friend from Texas does, but he's got me thinking about seeing more of the U.S. so that I can experience firsthand what he's talking about. But, that's something for another post.

In the meantime, enjoy the rest of this month. I'm sure I'll be posting again this week, though. I just saw that the Globe has another one of those occasional articles about people of color in Boston. I'm curious to see where this one goes.

Lauriston-Essoungou Wedding

Congratulations again to the Lauriston and Essoungou families. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and I was honored to be at the occasion. All the best!

The First Date Rules

For the better part of the last week, my friends and I have been talking about "the first date rules." I wrote that in quotation marks because there is some disagreement as to whether there are any rules. In fact, the belief - or disbelief - in the rules varies between men and women as well as between gays and non-gays. Straight women are firm believers in the rules, whereas straight men saw them more as suggestions instead of actual guidelines. Meanwhile, the universal gay male answer (didn't get to ask any lesbians) has been, "What rules?"

As a point of clarification, here are the two rules and their reason for being:

Rule #1: Meet in a neutral spot.
Reason: If the date turns out to be crazy, he/she can't find your house later.

Rule #2: Don't invite/bring the date home.
Reason: It's likely to lead to a situation involving sex.

While the first rule made sense to everyone, straight women understandably felt the strongest about it. The second rule, however, was what really highlighted the differences in responses. Straight women didn't want to be put in a situation where they'd feel pressured either to have sex or to reject their suitors. On the flip side, straight men said they'd rather not be invited home unless sex was likely to happen because they felt it would be a waste of their time otherwise. As one straight male friend put it, "If all she wants to do after 20 minutes is cuddle, I'm outta there." Gay men laughed at the second rule and believed that if the date was fun then there was no reason not to go home together. As one gay male friend said, "Sometimes you only get one chance, so go ahead and have fun." Touche.

But, who's to say that it isn't just my friends who think this way? What do you, readers, think of the first date rules? Before you read this, did you know they existed? If so, were these the only rules or are there others?

Racial Profiling Email

This morning I received a forwarded email from a friend. The email came in the form of a multiple choice test with the following situations:

• In 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
• In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and killed by:
• During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
• In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
• In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
• In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
• In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
• In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
• In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
• On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
• In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
• In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

Despite this being a multiple choice "test" the one answer all of the questions shared is:

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

The email smugly goes on to state:

Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?

So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics' intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, and airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year-old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone because profiling might offend someone.

Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds, ACLU, and other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Judges who want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves -- if they have any such sense.

As the writer of the award-winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it.

"Stupid is as stupid does." And this is really STUPID! Come on people wake up! Keep this going.

I had to reply to my friend and his partner with the following:

I can't believe you forwarded this. Yes, there is a pattern in those examples, but that is no reason for the goverment to support institutional racism! Given the context of world politics (US involvement in the Middle East which then fosters retaliations against the US), is it really that shocking that healthy people from that area (Muslim males aged 17-40) would be the culprits?

Not only that, but I'm so tired of white folks trying to forget that white people were behind the Oklahoma City bombing, the Waco mess, the failed Survivialist movements in the 1980s, and countless KKK and white supremecist attacks on black and brown people in this country. Where's the profiling for those domestic terrorists?!

Plus, did the person who wrote this "test" ever consider what a Muslim looks like? If the government were to do profiling, who would they look for? Muslims are as varied in appearance as Americans are, from blue-eyed Europeans, to dark-skinned Africans, to bronzed Asians. But, who would REALLY be profiled?

That test is there just to make white folks feel good about themselves and put the rest of us on the defense. If the author of the test is that concerned about being the victim of terrorism and the potential terrorists among us, then let's ALL assume the burden of profiling equally for our common good.

The only thing that "test" keeps going is mistrust and racist intentions based on selective fact finding.

My apologies to any white readers of this post. I shouldn't have painted such a broad picture of white America nor ignored the complexities of our times. However, I stand by the intent behind my words: that there is no place for institutional racism or racial profiling. By the end of the day, very little would have been accomplished other than stereotyping innocent people and allowing terrorists to adapt their recruiting strategies by finding people who don't fit the profile-du-jour. If we're all threatened and if we're going to ask for government to intervene on a more routine basis, then we've all got to accept being put under suspicion occasionally. At some point, even the privilaged will have to admit that.